Christian marriage is a sacrament, and the home it builds is a domestic church. Sin wounds it first, in a thousand small refusals of love, and confession heals it. This examination follows the pattern the United States bishops publish for married persons: duties to God, to one's spouse, to one's children and to society, read through the Ten Commandments. Husbands and wives may find it fruitful to go to confession together, each to the priest alone, and then to pray together afterward.

What you need

• Fifteen honest minutes, ideally before a regular confession time you and your spouse both go to
• The Act of Contrition
• The willingness to ask forgiveness at home as well as in the confessional

When to pray it

Before each confession, and especially before the anniversaries and feasts a family keeps. Many couples go monthly.

Steps

1. 1

   Step 1: Begin with prayer

   Make the Sign of the Cross▾ and ask the Holy Spirit to show you your sins, above all the ones your spouse and children see and you do not. Remember that God is the author of your marriage and wants it to succeed far more than you do.

2. 2

   Step 2: Faith and prayer at home

   Have I gone to Mass every Sunday and holy day, and brought my family? Have I prayed daily, and prayed with my spouse and children: grace at meals, prayers at bedtime, the Rosary? Have I read Scripture, or anything that feeds my faith? Have I nursed resentment against God or the Church? Have I given to the parish and taken part in its life according to my means? Have I made our home a place where Jesus is Lord, or left the faith at the church door?

3. 3

   Step 3: Fidelity and chastity in marriage

   Have I committed adultery? Have I flirted with, fantasised about, or fostered an improper attachment to someone other than my spouse, in person or online? Have I used pornography, or masturbated? In our marital relations, have I sought only my own pleasure, been demanding, or refused my spouse out of laziness, revenge or manipulation? Have I been tender and generous, and told my spouse that I love them?

4. 4

   Step 4: Openness to life

   Have I used contraception, or been sterilised without grave medical cause? Have I refused children out of selfishness, fear or love of comfort, rather than for the serious reasons the Church recognises? Have I had, paid for or encouraged an abortion? Have I welcomed the children God has given us as gifts, or treated them as burdens? Have I supported my spouse through pregnancy, illness and the exhaustion of raising children?

5. 5

   Step 5: Raising children in the faith

   Have I taught my children the Gospel and the commandments, prayed with them, and brought them to the sacraments? Have I been a shepherd to their souls, or left their formation to the school or the screen? Have I disciplined them with patience and love, or with anger, sarcasm or neglect? Have I been affectionate, and spent real time with them? Have I been of one mind with my spouse in raising them, or undermined my spouse in front of them? Do I demand of them a standard I do not keep myself?

6. 6

   Step 6: Justice and honesty in the household

   Have I been honest with my spouse about money, time, work and my inner life? Have I been financially responsible, or hidden spending and debt? Have I bullied, manipulated or tried to overpower my spouse to get my way? Have I physically or emotionally abused my spouse or children? Have I misused alcohol or drugs? Have I been just and honest at work, paid what I owe, and cared for the poor and for elderly parents?

7. 7

   Step 7: Charity in speech

   Have I spoken sharply, sarcastically or contemptuously to my spouse or children? Have I called them names, or taunted them? Have I gossiped about my spouse to friends or family? Have I nursed bitterness and kept a list of wrongs, or forgiven as I have been forgiven? Have I listened to my spouse's worries, or been too busy? Have I been sullen, moody or silent as a weapon? Have I said 'I am sorry' and 'thank you' at home?

8. 8

   Step 8: Be sorry, resolve to change, and pray the Act of Contrition

   Looking over what you have found, ask God for true sorrow: not mainly fear of punishment, but grief at having offended the One who loves you. Decide on one concrete thing you will change, with his grace. Then pray the Confiteor▾ and the Act of Contrition▾, and consider asking your spouse's forgiveness tonight for what you have found. Bring to the priest every mortal sin you have found, by kind and number as best you can, and whatever venial sins trouble you most. Nothing you say will surprise him, and nothing leaves the confessional.

Tips

• Examine your own conscience, not your spouse's. The sins you can confess are yours.
• Marriage and sexuality are frequent matters in confession; priests hear them daily. Name them plainly and let the priest help.
• What is confessed and forgiven in the confessional may still need to be repaired at home with an apology; do both.
• If your marriage is in serious trouble, ask the priest for a conversation outside confession, and for help from your parish or diocese.

Related devotions

• Enthronement of the Sacred Heart