Discernment
How to Discern a Call to Marriage
Discernment · 7 steps
Discerning marriage as a vocation, not only a relationship: praying alone and together, knowing the person and the faith, talking about children, faith and money, seeking counsel, chastity in courtship, and deciding to begin preparation.
7 steps · About 30 minutes
The Church calls marriage a vocation: a way in which God calls most Christians to holiness, and a sacrament in which the love of Christ for his Church becomes present in the love of a husband and wife. Discerning it is therefore more than deciding whether you are in love. Pope Francis in Amoris Laetitia devotes a section to preparing engaged couples and insists that the sacrament of marriage is not a social convention or an empty ritual but a vocation to be prepared for with the same seriousness as any other; Saint John Paul II in Familiaris Consortio described the stages of remote, proximate and immediate preparation. This guide is for a person, or a couple, asking whether God is calling them to marry — and to marry this person.
What you need
- A relationship that is real, exclusive, and serious enough that the question of marriage is genuinely on the table
- Daily prayer, alone and, when possible, together
- Honesty with each other about faith, children, money, family and the past
- A priest, a married couple you trust, or a spiritual director to talk to
When to pray it
Daily during the courtship; a shared prayer — an Our Father and a Hail Mary — at the end of time spent together is a simple beginning.
Steps
Step 1: Understand marriage as a vocation
Read what the Church teaches: marriage is a lifelong, faithful, exclusive covenant between a man and a woman, open to children, and for the baptised a sacrament that gives grace to live it. It is a call to lay down your life for another every day. Ask yourself first whether you want that — a whole life given, not a partnership of convenience — before asking whether you want it with this person. Amoris Laetitia's chapter on love in marriage, built on Saint Paul's hymn to charity (1 Corinthians 13), is the best short reading.
Tips
- You are not discerning whether the other person is perfect but whether God is calling the two of you to become one in him.
- Most dioceses ask couples to contact the parish six months to a year before a wedding date; discernment should be done before you book the hall.
- Peace, not intensity, is the mark of a discerned decision. If you cannot bring the relationship into prayer, ask why.
- If either of you has been married before, speak to a priest early; the Church will need to establish that you are free to marry.