A Catholic is bound to marry according to the Church's form: before a bishop, priest or deacon and two witnesses. A Catholic who married only civilly, or in another church without a dispensation, is therefore not yet validly married in the eyes of the Church, whatever the state says, and cannot receive Holy Communion until the situation is set right. Convalidation is the Church's remedy: the couple, now free and willing, give their consent before the Church's minister, and from that moment a true and sacramental marriage exists. It is a common request in every parish, handled with kindness, and it is usually simpler than couples fear.

What you need

• A meeting with the parish priest or deacon, who will explain the process in your case
• A recent baptismal certificate for each Catholic party, and a baptismal record for a baptised non-Catholic if one exists
• Your civil marriage certificate
• Documents about any prior marriage of either of you: a death certificate, or a declaration of nullity from a Church tribunal
• Two witnesses for the rite, who need not be Catholic

When to pray it

Throughout the process, and above all at the rite itself, which may be a quiet weekday ceremony with family or a celebration within Mass, as the couple choose.

Steps

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   Step 1: Understand what convalidation is

   Canon 1108 requires that a Catholic marry before the local ordinary, the pastor, or a priest or deacon delegated by them, and before two witnesses; a marriage attempted otherwise, without a dispensation, is invalid. Canons 1156 to 1160 provide for its convalidation: the party or parties who gave defective consent, or who were bound by the form, renew their consent according to the canonical form, and the marriage is valid from that moment, not retroactively. Because the consent is new, the Church treats it as what it is, a real celebration of Matrimony, and the couple are married sacramentally from the day of the rite.

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   Step 2: Contact the parish

   Make an appointment with the priest or deacon of the parish you attend, or would like to attend, and tell him plainly that you were married civilly and wish to have the marriage convalidated. He will ask when and where you married, whether either of you has been married before, whether both are baptised, and where you stand with the Church now. He will explain the diocese's requirements, which vary a little from place to place, and what documents to gather. Bring your civil certificate to the first meeting; it saves a second one.

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   Step 3: Resolve any prior marriages

   This is the step that most often takes time. If either of you was previously married, to anyone, in any form, civil or religious, the Church presumes that marriage valid until a tribunal declares otherwise, and no convalidation can take place until the prior bond is shown to be ended by death or declared null. A prior marriage of a Catholic who married outside the Church without a dispensation can usually be handled quickly by a documentary process for lack of canonical form; other cases require a formal petition to the diocesan tribunal. The guide on petitioning for a declaration of nullity on this site explains what that involves. Begin it at once; the parish will help.

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   Step 4: Do the preparation

   Because a convalidation is a true celebration of marriage, the Church asks for preparation, though a parish will adapt it to a couple who have already been living together for years; a full Pre-Cana program is rarely required, and the priest may instead meet with you several times to talk about the sacrament, the promises, and your life of faith. If one of you is not Catholic, the same permissions and promises apply as for any mixed marriage: the Catholic party promises to do all in their power to have the children baptised and raised Catholic. Both of you fill in the prenuptial questionnaire. A Catholic party goes to confession before the rite, so as to receive the sacrament and Holy Communion in the state of grace.

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   Step 5: Celebrate the rite

   The convalidation uses the Order of Celebrating Matrimony, within Mass or without, and may be as simple or as full as you wish: many couples choose a weekday afternoon in the church with their children, parents and two witnesses; others choose a Saturday with family and friends; some renew their consent at a Sunday parish Mass. The priest asks the questions before consent, and then you give your consent to each other: 'I, N., take you, N., to be my wife (husband). I promise to be faithful to you, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love you and to honour you all the days of my life.' The rings you already wear may be blessed and given again. The priest then prays the Nuptial Blessing over you, and the marriage is recorded in the parish register and notified to the church of your Baptism.

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   Step 6: Live the sacrament

   From the day of the convalidation you are married in Christ, and the Church's whole sacramental life is open to you: return to Holy Communion together, keep Sunday Mass, and let your children see that their parents pray. Take up some small daily prayer as a couple, the Our Father▾ at night or grace at meals; the guide on praying as a married couple on this site suggests a simple rule. Consider having your marriage blessed again on its anniversary, and thank God for the grace that brought you back. Pray the Prayer to the Holy Spirit for the gifts the marriage will need, and the Hail Mary▾, entrusting the home to the Mother of God.

Tips

• Convalidation is not 'blessing' an existing marriage. It is the moment the marriage comes into being before God; treat it with the seriousness of a wedding, however small.
• Nothing about your civil marriage changes: you keep your names, your licence and your legal status. The Church adds the sacrament.
• If your spouse is reluctant, tell the priest. He can explain what is being asked, and there is a further remedy, radical sanation, that the diocese can consider in some cases.
• Do not stay away from the parish out of embarrassment. Priests receive this request constantly and are glad of it.