A Catholic funeral is not a celebration of a life so much as the Church's prayer for a baptised Christian who has died, offered in the hope of the resurrection. The Order of Christian Funerals, the Church's book for these rites, sets out three moments: the Vigil for the Deceased, the Funeral Liturgy (ordinarily a Mass), and the Rite of Committal at the grave or the place of entombment. The parish will guide you through all of it; this guide tells you what to expect and what to decide, so that the choices can be made calmly and in faith.

What you need

• The parish's phone number; the funeral home will usually contact the parish, but a call from the family helps
• A few facts the parish will ask for: the person's full name, date of death, parish of Baptism if known, and whether they wished to be buried or cremated
• The Order of Christian Funerals readings list, which the parish will give you, to choose the Scripture readings
• Names of family and friends willing to read, to bring up the gifts, and to serve as pallbearers

When to pray it

The vigil is usually held the evening before the funeral; the Funeral Mass on a weekday morning or Saturday; the committal immediately after the Mass. Funeral Masses are not celebrated on Sundays, on holy days of obligation, on Holy Thursday, or during the Easter Triduum.

Steps

1. 1

   Step 1: Contact the parish

   As soon as you can after the death, call the parish, ideally the parish the deceased belonged to; a Catholic is entitled to a funeral from the Church and the parish will find a way even for someone who had drifted from practice. The funeral home will coordinate dates, but the parish sets the time of Mass, assigns the priest or deacon, and provides a planning sheet with the readings and music. Tell them if the person was to be cremated and whether the remains will be present at the Mass. If the family is far from the deceased's parish, any Catholic parish may celebrate the funeral with the pastor's consent.

2. 2

   Step 2: Know the three rites

   The Order of Christian Funerals provides three principal rites. The Vigil for the Deceased, often called the wake, is a Liturgy of the Word held at the funeral home or the church, usually the evening before; the Rosary is often prayed at it, and it is the natural place for words of remembrance from family and friends. The Funeral Liturgy is the central act, ordinarily the Funeral Mass, in which the Church offers the sacrifice of Christ for the deceased and commends them to God in the final commendation. The Rite of Committal, at the grave, mausoleum or columbarium, is the last farewell and the blessing of the place of rest. Each may be celebrated separately, and the parish will fit them to the family's circumstances.

3. 3

   Step 3: Choose the readings

   The Funeral Mass has a First Reading, usually from the Old Testament (during Easter Time from the Acts of the Apostles or Revelation), a Responsorial Psalm, a Second Reading from the New Testament, and a Gospel, each chosen from the selections given in the Order of Christian Funerals. Among the most loved: Wisdom 3:1-9, 'The souls of the just are in the hand of God'; Psalm 23, 'The Lord is my shepherd'; Romans 8:31-39, 'Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ'; 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18; John 11:17-27, 'I am the resurrection and the life'; John 14:1-6, 'In my Father's house there are many dwelling places.' Ask family members who can read clearly to proclaim the first two readings; the Gospel is read by the deacon or priest.

4. 4

   Step 4: Choose the music

   Music at a Catholic funeral is sacred music, chosen to express the paschal faith of the Church and to let the assembly sing: an entrance hymn, the responsorial psalm, the Mass parts, a Communion hymn and a hymn at the final commendation. The parish's musician will suggest settings and hymns the congregation knows, and many parishes keep a list of approved funeral music. Favourite popular or secular songs, however dear, are not used in the liturgy; they can be played at the vigil, the graveside gathering or the reception, and the parish will tell you where the line falls.

5. 5

   Step 5: Understand the homily and the words of remembrance

   At the Funeral Mass the priest or deacon gives a homily on the readings and the Christian meaning of death; the Order of Christian Funerals directs that there is never to be a eulogy in its place. That does not mean the person's life goes unspoken: the rite allows a member or a friend of the family to speak briefly in remembrance of the deceased before the final commendation, and the vigil is the fuller opportunity for stories and tributes. Parishes differ on how they handle the words of remembrance at Mass, so ask, keep them brief and written down, and choose a speaker who can hold together.

6. 6

   Step 6: Decide about cremation and burial

   The Church earnestly recommends that the bodies of the dead be buried in cemeteries or other sacred places, but cremation is permitted unless it was chosen for reasons contrary to Christian teaching. The Church prefers that the body be present for the Funeral Mass and cremation follow; where cremation comes first, the cremated remains may be present at the Mass in the dioceses of the United States, treated with the same respect as the body. The remains must then be buried in a grave or placed in a mausoleum or columbarium: the Church does not permit them to be scattered, divided among relatives, kept at home, or made into keepsakes. The committal prayers are the same for a casket and for an urn.

7. 7

   Step 7: Take part in the Funeral Mass and the committal

   At the church door the priest sprinkles the coffin with holy water in memory of Baptism and the white pall is placed over it, the sign of the baptismal garment; a family member may place the pall. The Mass proceeds with the readings, the homily, the prayers of the faithful and the Liturgy of the Eucharist, with family members bringing up the bread and wine if they wish. After Communion comes the final commendation: silence, the sprinkling and incensing of the body, and the song of farewell, 'May the angels lead you into paradise.' At the grave the priest blesses the place of rest and leads the committal, ending with the prayer everyone can pray: 'Eternal rest▾ grant unto him (her), O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him. May he rest in peace. Amen.'

8. 8

   Step 8: Have Masses offered afterward

   The funeral is the beginning of the Church's prayer for the dead, not its end. Ask the parish to offer Mass for the deceased on the month's mind (a month after death) and on the anniversary; a small offering, called a stipend, customarily accompanies the request, but no one is refused for want of it. Have their name entered in the parish's Book of the Dead for All Souls' Day, visit the grave, and pray the De Profundis▾ and the Salve Regina▾ for them; the guide on praying for the dead on this site gives more. Grief has its own timetable, and the Church's practice of continued prayer is one of her mercies for the living as well as the dead.

Tips

• Let the priest or deacon lead. He has done this many times and knows what comforts a grieving family and what the rite provides.
• Choose readings and hymns that speak of Christ's death and resurrection; the parish musician will help find sacred music that suits, and secular songs belong at the reception rather than in church.
• If a Mass is not possible, the Funeral Liturgy outside Mass is a full Catholic funeral, led by a priest or deacon with the same readings, prayers and final commendation.
• Remember the days after. A Mass on the month's mind and on the anniversary, and All Souls' Day each November, continue the prayer the funeral began.