The wedding liturgy is a celebration of the Church, not a private ceremony, and the Order of Celebrating Matrimony gives it a clear shape: the couple are received at the church, the Word of God is proclaimed, the couple give their consent and exchange rings, the Church prays the nuptial blessing over them, and, at a Mass, they receive the Body and Blood of Christ together for the first time as husband and wife. Within that shape there are real choices to make, and this guide sets them out in the order the parish will ask about them.

What you need

• The parish's wedding planning booklet, which lists the readings, prayers and music the rite provides
• Readers (usually two), and gift bearers if the wedding is a Mass
• The parish musician's contact details, and a meeting with them early
• Two witnesses of age, usually the best man and maid or matron of honour, who need not be Catholic
• The rings, and the civil licence delivered to the parish before the day

When to pray it

The liturgy is normally celebrated on a Saturday or a weekday; weddings on Sundays and the great solemnities are discouraged, and during Lent the decoration and music are restrained in keeping with the season.

Steps

1. 1

   Step 1: Decide between Mass and the Liturgy of the Word

   The Order of Celebrating Matrimony provides two full forms. The celebration of Matrimony within Mass is the norm for two Catholics: the rite of marriage follows the homily, and the couple and the congregation receive Holy Communion. The celebration of Matrimony without Mass has the same Liturgy of the Word, consent, rings and nuptial blessing, followed by the Our Father▾ and a blessing, and it is recommended when one party is not Catholic, so that the two families share equally in the whole celebration. Neither is 'more married' than the other; the sacrament is the consent. Decide with the priest, looking at who will be in the pews.

2. 2

   Step 2: Choose the readings

   The rite provides a Lectionary of Old Testament readings, psalms, New Testament readings and Gospels, and asks that at least one reading explicitly speak of marriage. Couples commonly choose Genesis 1:26-28, 31 or Genesis 2:18-24; Tobit 8:4b-8, the prayer of Tobias and Sarah on their wedding night; Psalm 128 or Psalm 33; 1 Corinthians 12:31-13:8a, 'Love is patient, love is kind'; Ephesians 5:2a, 21-33; Colossians 3:12-17; 1 John 4:7-12; and the Gospels of the wedding at Cana (John 2:1-11), the Beatitudes (Matthew 5:1-12a), the house built on rock (Matthew 7:21, 24-29), and 'This is my commandment: love one another' (John 15:9-12). One Old Testament reading, a psalm, one New Testament reading and a Gospel is the usual pattern, and the parish booklet will have the full list.

3. 3

   Step 3: Plan the music

   Meet the parish musician early. Music at a wedding is liturgical music: an entrance hymn or instrumental processional, the responsorial psalm sung, the Gospel acclamation, and at a Mass the Holy, Holy, memorial acclamation, Amen and Lamb of God, with a Communion hymn and a recessional. The rite allows the couple's own choices within the sacred repertoire, and parishes generally keep a list of hymns and settings the assembly can sing. Secular songs, however meaningful to the two of you, belong at the reception; a hymn to Mary, such as the Salve Regina▾, may be sung if the couple wish to bring flowers to her image, and the parish will tell you where in the rite it fits.

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   Step 4: Prepare for the questions and the consent

   After the homily the priest addresses the couple: 'N. and N., have you come here to enter into Marriage without coercion, freely and wholeheartedly?' Each answers: 'I have.' 'Are you prepared, as you follow the path of Marriage, to love and honour each other for as long as you both shall live?' 'I am.' 'Are you prepared to accept children lovingly from God and to bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?' 'I am.' (This third question is omitted if the couple are advanced in years.) Then, joining right hands, each declares: 'I, N., take you, N., to be my wife (husband). I promise to be faithful to you, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love you and to honour you all the days of my life.' Learn these words by heart; the priest will prompt you, but they are yours to say.

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   Step 5: Exchange the rings

   The priest receives your consent, saying: 'May the Lord in his kindness strengthen the consent you have declared before the Church, and graciously bring to fulfilment his blessing within you. What God has joined, let no one put asunder.' All answer: 'Amen.' He then blesses the rings: 'May the Lord bless these rings, which you will give to each other as a sign of love and fidelity.' The husband places the ring on his wife's finger, saying: 'N., receive this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.' The wife does the same. A hymn or canticle of praise may follow, and then the Universal Prayer, the intercessions, which the couple may help compose.

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   Step 6: Receive the nuptial blessing and Communion

   At a Mass the liturgy continues with the preparation of the gifts, which the couple's parents or friends may bring forward, and the Eucharistic Prayer. After the Our Father▾, the priest turns to the couple and prays the Nuptial Blessing over them, a long and beautiful prayer asking that they be faithful, fruitful, blessed with children and with a long life, and reach at last the kingdom of heaven. The couple then receive Holy Communion, under both kinds where that is the parish's practice; the Catholic guests receive too, and the non-Catholic guests are invited to pray. At a celebration without Mass the Nuptial Blessing follows the Our Father▾ in the same way, and the rite ends with the solemn blessing.

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   Step 7: Settle the parish's practical rules

   Every parish has its own house rules and they save a wedding from a great deal of friction: where photographers may stand and whether flash is allowed; what flowers may be placed and whether they stay for the parish's use; no rice, confetti or petals inside; whether an aisle runner is used; how many musicians and where they sit; the offering for the church, the musician and the servers; and the time the church must be cleared. Give the rules to your vendors in writing, appoint one friend to be the parish's contact on the day, and let the wedding coordinator run the church while you pray. Ask the parish whether the Creed belongs in your liturgy: the Order of Celebrating Matrimony (no. 69) has the Symbol or Creed said after the Universal Prayer if the rubrics of the day require it, which means it is said when the wedding falls on a Sunday or a solemnity and is omitted on the ordinary weekdays and Saturdays when most weddings are celebrated.

Tips

• Choose readings you can hear yourselves in, and at least one that speaks of marriage directly, as the rite asks.
• The unity candle, sand ceremonies and similar customs are not part of the Catholic rite; most parishes ask that they be kept for the reception.
• Ask your readers to practise aloud, and to read from the Lectionary at the ambo rather than from a phone.
• Photographers and florists work within the parish's rules; give them the rules early so the day is not spent negotiating.