The Church does not leave the dying to the priest alone. Pastoral Care of the Sick gives a whole rite, the Commendation of the Dying, that a family member, a friend or a nurse may lead, and it says plainly that the presence of those who love the dying person, praying with them, is itself part of the Church's ministry. Saint John Paul II wrote in Salvifici Doloris that suffering unleashes love in those who witness it; at a deathbed that love takes the form of staying, and of praying words the dying person has known all their life. Call the priest first, for the sacraments; then stay and pray.

What you need

• Yourself, present and unhurried; silence and touch are as much prayer as words
• A crucifix or a small cross the person can see or hold, and if possible a candle
• A Bible or a card with a few psalms, and the Commendation of the Dying (on this site)
• A rosary, for the family's decades and the Divine Mercy Chaplet
• The number of the parish or hospital chaplain, so that a priest is called for confession, the Anointing and Viaticum

When to pray it

From the moment death seems near until it comes, and in the minutes after. Pray in short pieces, with rests; the dying tire quickly, and the family needs the pauses too.

Steps

1. 1

   Step 1: Be present, and call the priest

   Sit close, hold the person's hand, and let them know you are there. If a priest has not yet come, call the parish or ask the hospital to page the Catholic chaplain, asking for confession, the Anointing of the Sick and Viaticum. While you wait, do not fill the room with talk. Moisten their lips, keep the light soft, place a crucifix where they can see it, and pray a slow Sign of the Cross with them. The Church's rite says that the dying person should be helped to accept death in union with Christ's own death, and that begins with someone simply staying.

2. 2

   Step 2: Pray the short prayers they know

   Pastoral Care of the Sick suggests short texts that can be said slowly, one at a time, with silence between, and repeated: 'Jesus, Mary and Joseph.' 'Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.' 'Into your hands, Lord, I commend my spirit.' 'Holy Mary, pray for me.' 'Jesus, I trust in you.' 'My Lord and my God.' Say them quietly near the person's ear so they can join inwardly. Between them, pray the Our Father▾, the Hail Mary▾ and the Glory Be▾, which most Catholics can still follow when little else reaches them. If the person is able, help them make an Act of Contrition▾, even a whispered 'Jesus, have mercy on me, a sinner.'

3. 3

   Step 3: Read the psalms and the Gospel

   The rite draws on a small number of psalms and Gospel passages, and any of them may be read slowly: Psalm 23, 'The Lord is my shepherd'; Psalm 25, 'To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul'; Psalm 91, 'He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High'; Psalm 121, 'I lift up my eyes to the mountains'; and Psalm 130▾, the De Profundis▾, 'Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord.' From the Gospels, John 14:1-6, 'In my Father's house there are many dwelling places,' and Luke 23:42-43, the good thief's prayer and Christ's promise of Paradise. One reading at a time is enough; then silence.

4. 4

   Step 4: Pray the Litany of the Saints

   The Commendation of the Dying includes a short Litany of the Saints▾, and it is among the most consoling prayers at a deathbed, because it names the company the dying person is going to join. Lead it slowly, with the response after each name: 'Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for him (her). Saint Joseph, pray for him. Saint Michael, pray for him. Holy angels of God, pray for him. Saint John the Baptist, pray for him. Saint Peter and Saint Paul, pray for him. All holy men and women, pray for him.' Add the person's own baptismal or confirmation saint and any saint they loved. End: 'Lord, be merciful; Lord, save your people. From every evil; Lord, save your people. Christ, hear us; Christ, graciously hear us.'

5. 5

   Step 5: Pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet

   The Chaplet of Divine Mercy is prayed on ordinary rosary beads and takes about seven minutes, which makes it well suited to the bedside; Saint Faustina recorded Our Lord's wish that it be prayed at the side of the dying, and the Church has approved the devotion. Begin with the Our Father▾, the Hail Mary▾ and the Apostles' Creed. On each large bead pray: 'Eternal Father, I offer you the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of your dearly beloved Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world.' On each of the ten small beads: 'For the sake of his sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.' After the five decades, pray three times: 'Holy God, Holy Mighty One, Holy Immortal One, have mercy on us and on the whole world.' The guide to the Divine Mercy Chaplet on this site gives the closing prayer.

6. 6

   Step 6: Pray the commendation as death draws near

   When breathing changes and the end is close, pray the prayer of commendation from the rite, which anyone may lead: 'Go forth, Christian soul, from this world, in the name of God the almighty Father, who created you, in the name of Jesus Christ, the Son of the living God, who suffered for you, in the name of the Holy Spirit, who was poured out upon you. Go forth, faithful Christian! May you live in peace this day, may your home be with God in Zion, with Mary, the Virgin Mother of God, with Joseph, and all the angels and saints.' The Commendation of the Dying on this site gives the full text with the prayers that follow it. Then be quiet, and let the person go with a blessing: trace a small cross on their forehead, as was done at their Baptism.

7. 7

   Step 7: Pray after death

   Immediately after death the rite gives this prayer: 'Saints of God, come to his (her) aid! Come to meet him, angels of the Lord!' Response: 'Receive his soul and present him to God the Most High.' 'May Christ, who called you, take you to himself; may angels lead you to Abraham's side.' Response: 'Receive his soul and present him to God the Most High.' 'Give him eternal rest▾, O Lord, and may your light shine on him for ever.' Then pray together: 'Eternal rest▾ grant unto him, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him. May he rest in peace. Amen.' The Nunc Dimittis▾, Simeon's 'Now, Master, you may let your servant go in peace,' and the De Profundis▾ are fitting in the hours that follow. Then call the parish about the funeral; see the guide to planning a Catholic funeral.

Tips

• Speak to the person, not about them. Hearing usually remains; say their name, tell them who is there, and pray aloud even when they cannot answer.
• Choose what they know: the Our Father, the Hail Mary, the Glory Be. Familiar words carry a person when new ones cannot.
• You may lead every prayer in this guide. Nothing in the Commendation of the Dying is reserved to a priest, though the sacraments are.
• Take turns. A deathbed watch is long; two people praying quietly, relieving one another, is better than a crowded room.