Many Catholics have not been to confession in ten, twenty or forty years, and the longer it has been, the harder the door looks. It is not. Priests count a returning penitent among the best moments of their ministry, and the sacrament exists precisely for the person who has been away. You do not need to remember the form, you do not need a complete list, and you do not need to have your life in order first. You need only to come, to be honest, and to be sorry. This guide tells you exactly what will happen.

What you need

• A confession time from a parish bulletin or website, or a phone call to a parish to ask for an appointment
• Half an hour beforehand to look back over the years with the Examination of Conscience guide
• The Act of Contrition on a card; the priest can also prompt you
• Optionally, a few notes so nerves do not empty your memory

When to pray it

Now, rather than later; Advent and Lent are natural seasons, and most parishes hold extra confessions and penance services then. Any regular Saturday time will do.

Steps

1. 1

   Step 1: Know that you are welcome

   Begin by settling one thing: God has been waiting for you, not keeping score. Read the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) and notice that the father runs. Psalm 130▾, the De Profundis▾, is the prayer of exactly this moment: 'Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord... If you, O Lord, should mark our guilt, Lord, who would survive? But with you is found forgiveness.' Pray it, and go.

2. 2

   Step 2: Find a time, or ask for an appointment

   Look up the confession times of a parish near you; most offer Saturday afternoon, and many a weekday. If you would rather not be rushed, phone or email the parish and ask a priest for an appointment, saying only that it has been many years. Any Catholic priest may hear your confession; you need not belong to that parish. Many returning Catholics find it easier to go to a parish where they are not known, and that is fine.

3. 3

   Step 3: Examine your conscience over the years

   Take thirty quiet minutes with the Examination of Conscience guide and go through the Ten Commandments, thinking in periods of your life: school, early adulthood, marriage or single life, work, now. You are looking for the serious sins you actually remember, by kind and roughly by number, and the patterns that have marked the years. Write a short list if it helps. Do not try to reconstruct everything; God asks only for what you can honestly recall after a real effort.

4. 4

   Step 4: Tell the priest it has been a long time

   When you enter, kneel behind the screen or sit facing the priest, whichever you prefer. Make the Sign of the Cross▾ and say: 'Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been about twenty years since my last confession, and I am not sure I remember how this goes.' The priest will be glad you came and will lead you. If you have notes, you may read from them.

5. 5

   Step 5: Confess what you remember, by kind and number

   Go through your list plainly: 'I stopped going to Mass for about fifteen years. I lived with my partner before we married. I used contraception for years. I have been drunk many times. I lied and cheated at work more than once.' Give the kind of sin and an honest sense of how often. Mention the sins you are most ashamed of; those are the ones it helps most to say aloud. Finish with: 'For these and all the sins of my life, especially those I cannot remember, I am sorry.'

6. 6

   Step 6: Let the priest help

   The priest may ask a question or two so he understands, and may give some advice about beginning again. He will give you a penance suited to what you have confessed; it will be manageable. If anything in your situation needs sorting out, for instance a marriage outside the Church, he will tell you what the next step is. Ask anything you like; this is your time.

7. 7

   Step 7: Pray the Act of Contrition and receive absolution

   When he asks you to express your sorrow, pray the Act of Contrition▾ from the card, or in your own words: 'Lord Jesus, I am sorry for all my sins. I want to come home. Help me to begin again.' Then the priest extends his hands and prays: 'God, the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of his Son has reconciled the world to himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins; through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.' Answer: 'Amen.' Every sin you confessed, and every sin you honestly forgot, is forgiven at that moment. The priest may add: 'Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.' Answer: 'His mercy endures for ever.'

8. 8

   Step 8: Do your penance and make a fresh start

   Do your penance in the pew before you leave, and stay a few minutes to thank God. You are now fully reconciled with God and the Church and may receive Holy Communion at the next Mass. Make the next steps small and concrete: Mass this Sunday, a short prayer each morning, and confession again in a month so that the habit takes root. The Confiteor▾ at Mass and a nightly examen will keep the list short from now on.

Tips

• Tell the priest at once that it has been a long time. He will guide you through everything from there.
• If you cannot remember exact numbers, give an honest estimate: 'often', 'for several years', 'a few times'.
• If you have been away because of something in your life you are not sure the Church can forgive, come anyway and tell the priest. There is no sin the sacrament cannot absolve.
• If you are in a marriage the Church has not recognised, still come; the priest can tell you what is possible and help you toward it.

Related devotions

• The Divine Mercy Chaplet

Related saints

• Saint Augustine of Hippo
• Saint John Vianney