For two baptised Christians marriage is a sacrament: the couple themselves are its ministers, and the consent they exchange before the Church's minister and two witnesses makes them one for life and a sign of Christ's love for the Church. Because it is a sacrament the Church asks couples to prepare well, and the bishops of the United States, in Amoris Laetitia's spirit, speak of preparation as a path rather than a form to fill in. This guide walks through what a parish in the United States will ask of you, from the first phone call to the words of consent, so that nothing surprises you and everything has time.

What you need

• A first conversation with the parish at least six months before the date you hope for; some dioceses ask for more
• A recent baptismal certificate for each Catholic party, issued within the past six months and showing any notations of confirmation or prior marriage
• Proof of freedom to marry: usually sworn statements from a parent or a long-time friend of each of you
• Your civil marriage licence, obtained in the weeks before the wedding according to state law
• A willingness to do the preparation program honestly, together

When to pray it

Throughout the engagement, and especially the night before the wedding: a good confession, and the Prayer to the Holy Spirit asked together.

Steps

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   Step 1: Contact the parish at least six months ahead

   Call or visit the parish where you would like to marry, usually the parish of the bride or the groom, and ask to meet the priest or deacon who prepares couples. Most dioceses of the United States ask for at least six months' notice, and some for a year, so make this call before you book anything else. At the first meeting the priest will ask about your faith, your families, whether either of you has been married before, and what date you hope for, and will explain the diocese's program. He is not there to test you; he is there to help you marry well.

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   Step 2: Take part in the preparation program

   Every diocese requires a course of preparation, and it takes several forms: an Engaged Encounter weekend, a series of Pre-Cana evenings, or meetings with a sponsor couple from the parish, usually together with a premarital inventory such as FOCCUS or Prepare-Enrich that the two of you answer separately and then discuss with a mentor. The topics are those a marriage is built of: communication, money, faith, family of origin, sexuality and openness to children, and the Church's teaching on the sacrament. Many couples also take a course in natural family planning. Give it your time, and use it to talk.

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   Step 3: Gather the documents

   The parish will assemble a prenuptial file. A Catholic party needs a baptismal certificate issued within the last six months by the church of Baptism, since the certificate's notations show confirmation and any prior marriage; a baptised non-Catholic supplies a baptismal record if one exists. Each of you gives evidence of freedom to marry, usually sworn affidavits from a parent or someone who has known you since before you were of marriageable age. You will fill in a prenuptial questionnaire with the priest, and, if either of you belongs to another parish or diocese, permissions are obtained by the parish. The civil licence is obtained from the county clerk shortly before the wedding, according to the law of your state.

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   Step 4: Ask about mixed marriages and dispensations

   A Catholic may marry a baptised non-Catholic with the permission of the bishop, which the parish requests; this is a mixed marriage. A Catholic may marry an unbaptised person with a dispensation from the impediment of disparity of worship. In both cases canon 1125 asks the Catholic party to declare that they are prepared to remove dangers of defecting from the faith and to make a sincere promise to do all in their power to have all the children baptised and brought up in the Catholic Church, and the other party is to be informed of that promise. The non-Catholic party makes no promise. If you wish to marry in the other party's church, a dispensation from canonical form may be requested through the parish.

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   Step 5: Choose the form of the celebration

   The Order of Celebrating Matrimony offers the celebration within Mass and the celebration without Mass. When both parties are Catholic, marriage within Mass is the norm and the fitting choice. When one party is a baptised non-Catholic the rite recommends the celebration without Mass, so that the whole wedding party can take part in everything, though a Mass is possible with the bishop's permission; when one party is unbaptised, the rite for marriage between a Catholic and a catechumen or a non-Christian is used, without Mass. Talk it through with the priest with the guests in mind, not only yourselves; the guide on planning a Catholic wedding liturgy on this site covers the readings and music.

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   Step 6: Go to confession

   The Church strongly recommends that Catholics approach the Sacrament of Penance before marriage, so that they receive the sacrament of Matrimony, and Holy Communion at their wedding Mass, in the state of grace. Go in the last week before the wedding, both of you if both are Catholic; if it has been years, say so and the priest will help. This is also a good time for an honest examination of the engagement itself, so that you go to the altar with nothing hidden from God or from each other. Pray the Act of Contrition▾, and afterward the Prayer to the Holy Spirit, asking for the gifts the marriage will need.

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   Step 7: Attend the rehearsal

   A day or two before the wedding the parish holds a rehearsal, usually led by the priest, deacon or the parish's wedding coordinator, for the couple, their parents, the wedding party, the readers and anyone bringing up the gifts. It walks through the entrance, where everyone stands and sits, the readings, the questions before consent, the exchange of consent and rings, and the recessional. Bring the licence and any remaining paperwork, arrive on time and sober, and listen to the parish's rules about photography, flowers and music; they exist to keep the church a church.

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   Step 8: Give your consent

   The heart of the rite is the consent, which the two of you give to each other in the presence of the Church's minister and two witnesses. After asking whether you have come freely, whether you are prepared to love and honour each other for life, and whether you are prepared to accept children lovingly from God, the priest invites you to join your right hands and declare your consent. The groom says: 'I, N., take you, N., to be my wife. I promise to be faithful to you, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love you and to honour you all the days of my life.' The bride says the same, taking him as her husband. The priest receives the consent: 'What God has joined, let no one put asunder.' Then the rings are blessed and exchanged: 'N., receive this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.' Pray the Our Father▾ together at the Mass as your first prayer as husband and wife.

Tips

• Book the church before the reception. Parishes fill up, and the priest's availability sets the date, not the venue's.
• Do the preparation as a couple, not as a hurdle. The inventories and conversations often surface what you have not yet said to each other.
• If either of you has been married before, tell the priest at the first meeting: a prior marriage must be examined before a date can be set, and it can take time.
• Keep the Mass simple and keep it prayerful. The most beautiful weddings are the ones where the couple are visibly praying.